Dear Deborrah:
I have a 17 year old daughter with whom I am very close. A year and a 1/2 ago she went out with this Christian boy for six months. The two were inseparable and they got along wonderfully. He had been home schooled and was about to go to high school for his senior year. The girls were all over him when he went to school and he broke it off with my daughter. He called one night and just said that he thought it would be best if they both saw other people. He wanted her to see what else was out there and he wanted to do the same.
In school he would never acknowledge my daughter and even dated my daughter's best friend. He really hurt my daughter deeply and he was her first boyfriend to boot. In the meantime, my daughter really never got close to any other boys. She would just remain friends. That is until recently, my sons best friend who is 18 1/2 and who is a Freshman in college has taken an interest in my daughter. He is not a Christian.
This boy attends San Jose State University, about 60 miles away. He and my daughter get along wonderfully and she thought they were just friends. However one night while she was talking to him online, he opened up his heart to her and told her he wanted to be more than friends. She said she needed more time. (She has begun to develop feelings for him also.) The day before he spilled his heart out to her, her first love gave her a call and apologized for the way he treated her and stated he wants back what the two of them had. My daughter is now torn.
Should she give her first love another chance? He really played her in the past and broke her heart. Or should she move on to my sons friend? The real crisis here is Christian vs. non-Christian. My son’s friend who is a non-Christian said that he would give church a try. He currently does not believe in God.
Signed,
Seeking The Spiritual Connection
Dear Spiritual:
My advice to your daughter would be this:
Just because someone proclaims themselves to be "a Christian" does not make them treat other people any better than someone who is NOT a Christian. Madam, one does not have to believe in God to be a really good, loving person that treats others with kindness, respect, generosity and love.
We also have to look at the world in perspective and all the people in it that practice other religions like Buddhists, Jews and Muslims. Are you saying that Christianity is superior and that the Christian view of The Creator makes you better in some way? I don't think so. That type of attitude would demonstrate snobbery and disrespect for the cultures of other people throughout the world. No one religion or building has an exclusive patent on or access to God.
Secondly, just because someone goes to Church does not mean that he or she is a decent person.
I personally know more than a dozen people that were sexually molested as children right in church. Adultery takes place amongst the members, as well as theft, fraud, lies, and fornication. Churches contain drug addicts, ex convicts, abusers, gossipy mean people, jealous haters, greedy power mongers, 12 steppers in recovery, and every single type of person that you find walking up and down the street.
A church is just a building, built by man. My personal experience is that most Churches actually contain a larger concentration of these negative types of people than you would find elsewhere simply because they come to church looking for salvation, release, forgiveness, and answers to why their life is jacked and how to fix it.
People that believe in a Higher Power and live a life of grace and high standards don't need to be "saved" from anything, and don't have a great motivation to attend Church seeking absolution.
At 16 your daughter is almost grown. Soon she'll be heading off to college and begin her life as an adult, relatively independent of your influence. I would hope that at this juncture she has a good understanding of the principles, morals and values you have provided and modeled for her for the past 16 years. She has to understand that what she had with the first boyfriend is gone and they can never get it back, as they are changed people now and view each other and the world with different eyes.
She has a young man that your son thinks enough of to call him his friend. If you have taught your son well, you should feel confident that he is a good judge of character. He would not bring some knucklehead around his Mom and sister, ya know? Anyway, aren't Christians directed to teach others and to show them the path to God? With that mandate in mind, now is not the time for you to turn up your nose at this young man who doesn't believe - your job as a strong Christian and mother is to expose this child to the beauty, strength and promise of God as you believe it. And that is what you need to tell your daughter.
The other relationship is in the past and that is where it needs to stay. He wanted to experiment and see what else is out there, so he needs to continue seeing. Your daughter can certainly forgive him but she should not go backwards. First love is just that – the first; it doesn't mean the only nor does it mean the best… it's just the first.
At 17 she doesn't really need to tie herself down to anyone or feel that she HAS TO have a boyfriend anyway. There is plenty of time for all that. Open your mind and allow the new fella the chance to prove himself which I fear you are in danger of denying him strictly based on whether or not he goes to church.
Please do not teach your children to discount nor disrespect the beliefs and practices of others. There are men in San Francisco that practice a wide variety of religions reflective of their culture. No one should ever close their minds to the life enriching experiences which can be acquired by interacting with people of other cultures and religious beliefs.
source: examiner
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