Question:Dr. Scott, I have a question about our daughter who is 17 years old. She turns 18 this July. She's a senior in high school and is getting all A's. We are proud of that. She's always been a super smart, though not often wise, girl. ...
She lost her father when she was young ... at age 7. I'm remarried and she now has a step-father who is a good man. He cares about her, but she's cold toward him ...
She has really struggled in some ways in her life - never academically - but with her behaviors and certainly with boys. She drinks some and I try to enforce no drinking and smoking, but I feel like it's impossible at times. ... I don't even know the word to describe what it's like to get her to stop being so stupid and naïve with boys. ...
She is so sad/pathetic when it comes to dating. She's had three of what I would consider serious boyfriends since she was 13 years old, and they have all been losers! I assure you that I am not just being an over-protective mother here; they really are duds. She is the epitome of co-dependence. ...
She was set to go to Stanford this fall, which we were excited about because that's where I got my degree. She was excited too, but her boyfriend has convinced her to stay here with him this summer and to change her mind about going to college. He tells her that she'd be happier with him than at college.
... She's listening to him because she's so pathetically head-over-heels for the guy. Now, after all the applying and celebrating her acceptance, she is thinking about not even going to college so she can stay with her pothead boyfriend and waste her life! ...
I've told her that she can't stay the night at his place, but she does anyway. What am I supposed to do, call the cops to pick her up? The boy's parents enable this behavior by harboring her.
She lies to us and refuses to obey our rules. Then, somehow, she makes me feel guilty and second-guess what I'm doing as a parent. I'm so sad. ... I have tried grounding her, I've taken away all her stuff, and nothing works because nothing is as important to her as that idiot boy.
Answer: There are some things that you can and should do, but it won't be easy and it certainly isn't guaranteed to succeed.
First, until she is 18, you have a responsibility to her to help her make good decisions and to guide her toward a good life. Don't give up on her no matter how hard it gets.
Second, you are dealing with a seriously co-dependent kid who is at real risk of ruining her life.
Co-dependence can be strong force in a person's life. Losing a parent at such a young age has a strong effect on a person and their ability to form healthy relationships with others. It's also common to see a young girl struggle with relationship problems when her father is not in her life.
The fact that she has been so academically successful, but seems so dumb in relationships tells me that she "dates down" or has poor standards in whom she dates.
She is desperate for affection and will seek to obtain it from the most counter-intuitive places. Sadly, this will often mean that she will be with boys who treat her poorly and take her for granted. They will be a negative influence.
It's also likely why she's engaged in some risky behaviors before like the drinking and smoking Ð for approval and to connect with others. You did not specifically say so, but I am sure she's been sexually active as well. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I would give diplomacy one last chance. Establish a few simple ground rules to get her behavior back on track.
Establish and enforce serious consequences if she doesn't start listening to you. Then, when that fails, send her away. If you can put her in a boarding school on the east coast, or with some family on the other side of the earth, or otherwise get her far away from her Romeo, then do it.
If you think that sounds extreme, don't forget that you are running out of time. Once she's 18, she can do whatever she wants. In the next few months, however, you can give her an opportunity to clear her head.
If she can get away from the kid and break the spell of co-dependence, then she has a good chance of getting excited about college again. Then, at the end of the summer, have her go straight to Stanford without coming back home.
When she's at Stanford, you can write me back with a new question about how to deal with the losers that she falls in love with there, but least she'll be at college and that's one step closer to a healthy life for her.
Best of luck, Dr. Scott.
SOURCE: thespectrum
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